Research Shows Freshmen Getting More Annoying
September 24th, 2005

A recent study conducted at Newton South High School has shown that freshmen are more annoying than ever before.

“I swear, we weren't nearly that pesky. And there definitely weren't that many of us,” said one senior who helped conduct the study.

Reports of massive globs of freshmen clogging hallways, being loud and obnoxious, and speaking when not spoken to have been increasing steadily over the past three years, according to the study.

One teacher who has two classes of freshmen commented, “Freshmen are always a pain in the ass, but this class of 2009 is just ridiculous. I'm going to ask my department head to let me teach seniors next year.”

Several proposals have been made to alleviate the chaos caused by this extraordinarily large group of delinquents. Solutions range from the vague idea of “Beatdown Fridays” to the very specific concept of a “Frosh-Plow,” designed by a member of the class of 2006.

The South Senate is considering the various proposals, but one senator explained “I don't think any of them will pass. For whatever reason, parents just won't stand for the beating and plowing of their children.”

The school administration made a statement last Thursday on the matter, which has drawn increasing attention, especially from upper-classmen. “Good afternoon. This is not Mr. Welch,” read the statement.

It went on to explain that the administration is conducting a “thorough investigation” on ways to “confront this growing menace to our positive learning environment.”

Most students, however, do not believe that the administration will endorse any policy that has real promise. “Whatever,” said one student, explaining that he believes that the administration need not get involved. He may or may not have been paid to state his belief that “Frosh-Plows are the future of freshman crowd control.”