Backpacks Complain about Increasing Size of Freshmen
September 24th, 2005

Backpacks of all shapes and sizes are becoming more and more dissatisfied with the weight of their 9th grade bearers, according to a survey recently conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.

More than 70% of the 3500 backpacks in the survey reported being “unhappy with the growing size of high school freshmen.” Many of the packs feel that the larger freshmen are harder to manage and are more likely to throw backpacks around violently.

“It's terrible. My freshman is almost as big as I am,” complained one bag belonging to a freshman at Newton South High School.

At Newton South, backpacks have organized to fight these weighty changes. Backpacks Against Fat Freshmen (BAFF) is dedicated to reversing the trend by any means possible.

“This weight problem is disastrous,” said HMB, the organization's spokesman. “It's bad for our health, it's bad for the kids' health, it destroys families, and BAFF is committed to fighting it. We stand for family values.”

Similar organizations around the country have made significant progress in raising awareness of the problem. Though freshmen continue to grow larger, studies from the past 12 years by the National Center for Education Statistics indicate that the numbers of freshmen who think they are overweight are growing even faster, and more high-schoolers than ever are trying to lose weight.

One slim 9th grader at Newton South with a particularly happy messenger bag commented, “Oh my God, that's so totally true. I'm like so fat I can't like eat anything for the rest of the week.”