Classroom Reaches Singularity
October 8th, 2005

A classroom containing a number of freshmen reached singularity and collapsed into a black hole last Thursday at Newton South High School. The exact number of freshmen in the room at the time of collapse is still unknown, but a full report on the incident is due Monday.

The administration issued a statement Friday, saying, “Room 1234 has become a black hole. Please stay away from the second floor of Goldrick house, as it has become a dangerous area. We're investigating the cause of this crisis, but preliminary reports show strong evidence that increasing class sizes are putting classrooms and students in danger.”

Brian Finn, a physics teacher at South, has estimated that approximately 1.9x10^18 freshmen would need to be in an average-sized classroom to achieve singularity. Before the class of 2009 entered South, class sizes never approached this number, but Finn said that “Thursday's incident has made it clear that as the school grows in size, this is becoming a real safety issue.”

Acting Principal Brenda Keegan said yesterday, “We're very sorry for the families of the 1.9 bazigoozillion freshmen who must have been in that room. On the other hand, I think we can all agree that there were too many of the little buggers in the first place.” Keegan added that the guidance department will be open all weekend for students who need assistance in dealing with this loss.

Meanwhile, the presence of a black hole in their high school has generated a mixture of reactions among the surviving portion of the student body. “It's so weird. There's just this place where a classroom used to be, and now anything that goes near it gets swallowed without a trace,” commented one junior.

“I came so close to getting swallowed the day it collapsed that I lost my pen before I got away from Goldrick. It was mad scary,” remarked another member of the class of 2007. One member of the science team explained that “this is monumental. Newton South is the only high school in the country, probably in the world, that has its own black hole.” A large and intimidating senior pointed out that “it's the best place to shove freshmen since lockers.”