Moth Army Invades New England
Edited by Unidyne7 and Tao
December 3rd, 2005

A vast army of winter moths has begun invading the northeastern United States and is proceeding virtually unchecked through cities and towns throughout New England. “They're everywhere, swarms of them wherever you look!” said Robert Newman, a Boston resident. “We're all gonna die!”

The Joint Chiefs of Staff decided yesterday to mobilize all of the armed forces' manpower to combat the invasion, recalling all available forces from overseas and deploying elite anti-moth task groups, according to a Pentagon spokesman. Predicting the moth army's advance is difficult, as moths are not easily detected by radar, sonar, satellite, infra-red, or x-ray vision. Military leaders are considering constructing house mockups with supersize porch lights to attract the moths and ambush them.

“This represents a major intelligence failure,” said Massachusetts Senator Edward M. Kennedy. “How can we be confident the United States can predict and prevent terrorist attacks when we can't even foresee an invasion involving trillions of enemy operatives? Thank God we members of congress have been rushed to a secret moth-proof underground bunker, otherwise I'd be scared shitless.”

“Cryptography is the key,” said defense analyst Victoria Spencer. “With such a highly mobile and stealthy enemy, we must be able to intercept and decipher their communications to predict their next moves.” So far, efforts to this end have not been successful. “Who the hell would go outside to try to figure out how this army communicates? I'm heading for Canada, where there'll be plenty of money for people to anaylze the aftermath.”

Moths escorted select members of the press to an unknown location in Vermont to meet with the commander of the moth forces. He explained that “humans are really not our target. We are simply trying to free trees of their delicious leaves.” The general added, “Even so, a certain amount of collateral damage must be expected in war. Operation Foliage Freedom will continue regardless.”

This kind of massive offensive isn't unheard of. Years ago, a similar moth army invaded Nova Scotia, causing extensive destruction before the Canadian military could respond with a parasitic fly that attacks only winter moths.

The defense effort will require unprecedented collaboration between different civilian and military agencies. It will take considerable time for the military to ready the flies, code-named Cyzenis albicans, for combat. A team of researchers working with the Canadian Forestry Service and the USDA rears the parasites in a heavily-guarded military compound.

“We hope to have the first squadron ready this spring, when they can be deployed to attack the moth larvae,” said Joseph Elkinton, the leader of the team. “But even if the parasite population grows exponentially, it will take several years for them to reach sufficient numbers to make any real dent in the moth forces. In the meantime, I'd recommend arming yourself with flamethrowers. Mine has been working quite well.”

Negotiations with Godzilla are underway to determine his willingness to take on a new Mothra. Godzilla was not available for comment.