Sox Fan No Longer Wants To Have Johnny Damon's Babies
January 14th, 2006

After Johnny Damon's betrayal of millions of supporters across the country, one local fan no longer wants to have Damon's babies.

“Omigod, ew! I can't believe him, what a disgusting thing to do,” exclaimed Sheila Bramble, a devout Red Sox fan. She added, “I totally wanted to have his babies, but now look what he's gone and done — it's unthinkable!”

Damon announced recently that he has signed a contract with the New York Yankees, causing trauma to many individuals as well as adding fuel to the fire that is baseball's most heated rivalry.

Other dramatic reactions have been commonplace among Sox fans. An Ohio resident who moved from Boston twenty-eight years ago reported, “My son hasn't been eating well since he heard the news, and neither of us has been able to sleep.”

Bramble stayed home from work for two days before she was able to cope with the emotional burden of her shattered fantasy. “The worst part,” she said, “was finding out that he cares about the money, and not the fans.”

However, an anonymous source close to Damon reports that his primary motive was not money. While money was a factor in the decision, the real reason he betrayed his team was something far less materialistic: pure spite.