Sudden Epidemic Sweeps Through Class of 2006
Edited by Alberge
January 28th, 2006

An epidemic of Heliobacter seniori, commonly known as Senioritis, took the senior class of Newton South High School by force last Friday. Preliminary reports link the sudden outbreak to the end of the first semester, and the resulting apathy in college-bound seniors.

“A few weeks ago, we had just a few isolated cases, but on Friday, new reports of the disease were coming in faster than we could process them,” said Dr. Alexander Chin from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Symptoms of the disease include laziness, procrastination, apathy, sprees of chronic truancy, and lack of motivation, according to Chin.

Senioritis is a common disease among students of 17 and 18 years of age, but it has several peculiar characteristics that make it unlike most bacterial infections. Most notably, the disease is not curable by traditional methods. Chin advises seniors who may have the disease: “If you experience any of the above symptoms, it is imperative that you do not consult any physician about your ailments. Instead, lie at home on a couch and supplement with chips and soda until symptoms subside.”

Before Friday, the CDC did not issue a warning to the South community, because early cases were few and isolated. Parents have criticized this oversight as a “negligent and unforgivable error,” while a CDC spokesman responded that the lack of warning was a result of the limited information available about the bacteria.

While only 60 percent of the class of 2006 has tested positive for the disease, the tests mandated by the CDC have not been completed. As of Saturday night, class ditz Miriam Looshin was the only student who had tested negative.

“Omg ily hw!” commented Looshin.