Keegan Granted Emergency Powers, Dissolves Senate
May 20th, 2006

Posters announcing a “change in the structure” of the South Senate went up around school last week. The new Student Senate will be meeting only once a week and will no longer include members of the faculty.

This change is most likely the direct result of the Senate's last decision which, after eight months of debate, granted emergency power to Principal Brenda Keegan in order to “quickly and efficiently eliminate this threat to our school community.”

The Senate is the branch of South's government that would challenge Keegan's attempts to keep her power longer than the time allotted, but since the new Student Senate is not likely to even pretend to get anything done, political analysts speculate that Keegan will not give up her power even once the disturbances have subsided.

An anonymous administrator, referred to here as Ms X, reports that this chain of events is the culmination of a huge conspiracy. “It's all part of Keegan's master plan. The fire alarms, the bathroom sinks, even the delayed principal search,” she explained. She speculates that Keegan caused the delays in the principal search in order to remain in power long enough to begin the second phase of her plan.

“Phase two includes the fire alarms, the bathroom vandalism—everything,” said Ms X in a late-night interview in a parking garage. She alleges that Keegan has been creating every disturbance that has arisen in the school this year in order to create a situation that justifies the decision to grant her emergency power. Now that Keegan is in power, she is not likely to relinquish the office of Principal to Brian Salzer, the candidate that was selected to be permanent principal beginning next year.

While Ms X is a high ranking administrator at South, her reports are unconfirmed by other sources. Senior Andy Brody expressed his skepticism, saying, “It couldn't all be Keegan. She's too dumb.”