Boston Harbor Marine Life Massacred
Edited by Alberge
June 3rd, 2006

Most of the animals that previously lived in and around Boston Harbor were found floating dead in the water on Saturday morning. The deaths must have occurred overnight, as no one noticed anything amiss Friday evening.

“We woke up this morning and there were dead things floating all over the place in the water—fish, birds, I even heard someone say they saw a couple dolphins,” said Randy Whitney, a fisherman who operates out of Boston Harbor.

A hastily-organized team of marine biologists, veterinarians, and police detectives reports that all of the animals seem to have choked on pieces of latex. The team is using the New England Aquarium's Edgerton Research Laboratory, which has temporarily halted all other research efforts, as its base of operations.

All latex that has been extracted from the victims has been found to be either orange or blue. “The most puzzling question is really how the latex got there,” said Scott Kraus, the aquarium's chief scientist. He speculates that a large cloud of helium-filled balloons may have floated over the harbor and fallen into the water, where the marine life then tried to eat pieces of the balloons, choked, and died.

The consequences of this mass murder are dire. The Massachusetts Division of Marine Fisheries has banned all fishing in Boston Harbor until further notice to allow the marine life to recover. This ban is likely to last anywhere from one month to one year, according to Nancy Fulman, a marine biologist at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution.

State police are currently investigating possible sources of large numbers of orange and blue balloons. “Whoever did this should be severely punished,” said Fullman.