Administration Closes School to Avoid Further Ridicule
Edited by nobody. Sorry.
July 1st, 2006

After ten months under fire from a slightly funny and inconsistently released satirical news publication run by four delinquents of the school's senior class, Newton South's administration admitted defeat by closing school on Thursday, June 22nd.

“I quit,” declared Acting Principal Brenda Keegan. “All I've gotten on this job is a promotion, mockery, and criticism.”

Keegan's claim, while exaggerated, is not without merit. Twelve of the twenty-nine Radish articles published while school was in session specifically mentioned or quoted Keegan, while several more mocked the school's administration in general.

After the administration kicked the seniors out of school about three weeks prior, students seemed to know that the school-wide closing was coming. “Since the mockery didn't stop, I knew we weren't going to be in school much longer,” said one junior. She continued, “It was a smart move, really—The Radish can't mock them if they aren't doing anything.”

The general reaction from the student body is a positive one. “W00t!” commented junior Sam Donovan. Others expressed similar sentiments.

According to inside sources, The Radish, having defeated South's administration, is not likely to continue much longer. “It's mainly because we don't have anything to write about anymore. South's administration practically wrote our material for us,” said one staff member.

The school is closed until further notice, but analysts say that the threat will likely be gone by early September 2006, at which point the school will be able to resume operations. “That's just like them, to close the school down, only to open it again as soon as we're all gone,” said Tao. “Those cowards.”